I'm not sure why I did, anymore. The thought was that I would give the film a fair shake, having never seen any of Katherine Heigl's films and still somewhat harboring a distaste for Aston Kutcher for having a career instead of Topher Grace. I was also somewhat hopeful that this was listed under Action/Adventure instead of Romantic Comedy, which is what I believe it was sold as.
Well. Fuck. Me. For. Trying.
The timeline of my thoughts during the film:
- OMG, this is Alien from L.A.
- So, the CIA has no problem with this movie using its name? The President's Analyst had to change its agency's name, but this dumbass movie gets a pass? And even with the portrayal of a paranoid senior agent who sacrifices his own employees just to kill his son-in-law? (SPOILER, but who cares? You're not going to see this fucking movie)
- Rob Riggle: DIE. Alex Borstein: DIE
- Produced by Ashton -- oh shit, I'm going to die, aren't I?
- Lesson: if you use the 60's style titles sequence while making the rest of your film look like major studio product and not adding one bit of character to the proceedings, you can fuck off.
- It's the leads -- and the script -- and if she's that concerned about lying, why is she lying? Oh. Because the movie demands it. You know, for someone who self-labels herself as nerd bait (she works in a software company and from what I can tell, only in sales) you would think that at least some of the interesting personal quirks would have rubbed off on her, not to mention a tolerance for the different personalities among us. The things she says and does in regards to this part of her life just makes her sound like a cheerleader slumming in TV Production class just so it can go on her college application.
- Recast -- Felicia Day and Channing Tatum
- Your friends are idiots and assholes.
- He is three snarky comments away from blowing Tom Selleck's head off -- and I'd support him. Not liking/empathizing with any of the characters is not where you want your audience to live, movie!
- Alcoholism is funny! :D It can be funny -- you are not making it funny. Catherine O'Hara is wasted in this film.
- You know, what that scene really needed was a fart. Good on ya.
- Alcoholism -- still funny!
- It is no compliment when your character reminds me of Kate Capshaw's character in Temple of Doom.
- Just because a piece of music invokes a mood you want does not mean that mood fits with the rest of the film.
- Gross Pointe Blank did the killer origin story much better. Gunfight over downtime? No contest.
- Moments of this story are good. Once again, actors and script.
- There is NO given reason why she came back!
- This is the whole movie? This is the whole MOVIE?!
- I want Catherine O'Hara to be my grandma.
I was pissed off when this movie finished. Fucking livid. For the first time in a while, I felt cheated out of my time by a movie. I can't even remember the last time I had this much anger toward a piece of celluloid. It took two Jack and Cokes and a viewing of Marathon Man to calm myself down.
On the subject -- here's how to do the "my loved one is a secret agent" film much better. Marathon Man. Deeper stakes for the characters, action and pacing that took its time, and actual character arcs instead of just lining up the inevitable punch. The punch shouldn't feel inevitable -- in fact, we shouldn't believe the main character will ever be capable of throwing it.
The violence was nastier and more visceral. The suspense was better. The humor was NOT FOR CHEAP LAUGHS. Oh, and I'll take Dustin Hoffman, Roy Schneider, Sir Lawrence Olivier, William Goldman, and John Schlesinger over the group that made Killers any day.
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