No Strings Attached
I first heard about No Strings
Attached when a movie blog mentioned its complete and total
resemblence to another movie, Friends With Benefits.
In fact, this movie (with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher) was
originally titled Friends with Benefits
until they found out about the first Friends with Benefits,
and hadn't figured out another title until they got close to press
screenings.
Hollywood
appears to do this frequently. Armageddon and
Deep Impact, Antz
and A Bug's Life –
movies released far too close together that have essentially the same
set-up. By the time the sex-friends-comedy-romance happened with
these two, all I could do was shrug and say, “Meh.”
It was
probably because of this that I decided to never see these two when
they came out in theaters, even when I heard people gushing over
Friends with Benefits
(the one with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake). Thankfully, the
unlimited streaming of Netflix allows me to bend my standards a bit
and watch movies that I initially would have passed.
Seems
like I passed this one for good reason.
Biggest
problem—there is no reason that I could see for these two to be
together. Ashton Kutcher's character falls for her at sleepaway camp
because she listens to him when he talks about his parents divorcing.
The fact that she was already talking in character bullet points
(I'm not good with feelings) was enough to drive me away, but him
straight-out asking to finger her? Yeah. Thanks, movie. Even the
dumbest of teenagers knows you work your way up to fingering.
But
yes, nothing is shown in their interactions of the first act to give
any reason as to why these two, or even one of them, would be
interested in a relationship. Ignoring the fact that some people
feel the onus/responsibility of changing a person so they can become
the dream partner that people have been drooling for, it makes no
sense that he would still hold a candle for this girl after all these
years, when it's obvious that she's not interested in more and the
movie has shown nothing more of their interactions to make me even
think that they're more than friendly.
And
from this logic gap, the gap between the movie and my sympathy got
even wider. Here is my thought timeline:
- i hate your friends.
- (Really, what is it about movies that has to make the main character's friends unlikeable dickbags who excel at giving him supreme-stupid advice?)
- just because the music makes a joke, does not mean it is right for this movie
- your references will be dated in 6 months
- it's like a crime scene in my pants
- Die!
- Die!
- Die!
- Period Mix CD
- Die!
- There was a good movie in here somewhere
- If he HAD hooked up with Mindy Kaling, I would care much more about what was happening right now.
- Is she trying to hook up with the doctor because he reminds her of her dad? Because really, that would make this much more interesting.
- Fuck. This. Movie.
- That pumpkin line would actually work if oh I don't know they were actually overtanned and looked like the pumpkins she described! Fuck. This. Movie.
- Today's Criminally Misused Performer is Kevin Kline. Runner-up! Cary Elwes. I think Natalie Portman watched The Princess Bride a few too many times.
- I'm not kidding with that point. Natalie Portman is one of the producers of this films and is only a couple years older than I am. She had to have had some influence over the casting of this film. And I believe that at some point, her character was going to sleep with the doctor and someone in the studio just cut the scene. I have to believe this, because otherwise I'm going to scream.
- They really, really did not know which lines to cut. There is a difference between laying down for a punishing joke and totally blowing the setup.
- Once again, a really good moment that I care less about (still care a bit) because of everything else that has pushed me away.
- This movie is a living representation of my feelings for this movie.
- I wish I could remember what moment this refers to, but the longer I wait, the less this diseased piece of celluloid lives in my brain.
- Oh no, there's still 35 minutes left in this movie. Please, please, PLEASE let there be a penguin.
- Hey, who is the producer? She's actually interesting and somewhat...not damaged.
- So, her father died. Okay.
- And he's still listening to his friends. Fuck it. I've changed my mind. You don't deserve happiness.
- Lake Bell -- I love you.
- The Pomeranian is one of the highlights of this film.
- Best moment: Kevin Kline crying as he talks about fucking ugly women while high on blow. AND he wrote and performed an original song for this film! Why is Kevin Kline not getting more work???
At a certain point in the film, I saw a
“director” sitting at a bank of monitors. And I thought, “Is
that Ivan Reitman?” I wasn't even sure I could recognize Ivan
Reitman, since he's made his career as a producer/director and never
gone in front of the camera too much.
Sure enough, it was him. Not only was
it him, but he directed this film. The deflation I felt when I discovered this -- well, it immediately reminded me of The Moody Blues. A former British R&B group who took a big step in the late 60's and created two landmark albums that helped defined a sound (Days of Future Passed and In Search of the Lost Chord), securing their place as legends. They continued on, recording good music and staying interesting until...something just happened. And they changed. And it didn't seem like anything should have happened to make them change in such a manner, but now they're in such a different and uninteresting place, it doesn't even feel like these disparate works of art came from the same artist.
Ivan Reitman was a creative force behind some of my early film favorites -- Stripes, Animal House, Ghostbusters -- my dad, who was instrumental in shaping my film taste and sense of humor, showed me all of these films. We bonded over these films. They were wild, anarchic, wonderful films that were the jump-off point for my interest in not only comedy, but Second City and the Chicago comedy scene.
And then came No Strings Attached...
And once again, it's a
Hollywood-look film, everything is very well composed and lit,
everyone looks very pretty (even the supposed ugly people look good),
and there is absolutely no bite. Just pretty people
doing dumb things.