Saturday, August 11, 2012

No Strings Attached

It really doesn't make any sense that I would see another film with Ashton Kutcher in it, especially after last week's Killers disaster.  But, here goes...

No Strings Attached

I first heard about No Strings Attached when a movie blog mentioned its complete and total resemblence to another movie, Friends With Benefits. In fact, this movie (with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher) was originally titled Friends with Benefits until they found out about the first Friends with Benefits, and hadn't figured out another title until they got close to press screenings.
Hollywood appears to do this frequently. Armageddon and Deep Impact, Antz and A Bug's Life – movies released far too close together that have essentially the same set-up. By the time the sex-friends-comedy-romance happened with these two, all I could do was shrug and say, “Meh.”
It was probably because of this that I decided to never see these two when they came out in theaters, even when I heard people gushing over Friends with Benefits (the one with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake). Thankfully, the unlimited streaming of Netflix allows me to bend my standards a bit and watch movies that I initially would have passed.
Seems like I passed this one for good reason.
Biggest problem—there is no reason that I could see for these two to be together. Ashton Kutcher's character falls for her at sleepaway camp because she listens to him when he talks about his parents divorcing. The fact that she was already talking in character bullet points (I'm not good with feelings) was enough to drive me away, but him straight-out asking to finger her? Yeah. Thanks, movie. Even the dumbest of teenagers knows you work your way up to fingering.
But yes, nothing is shown in their interactions of the first act to give any reason as to why these two, or even one of them, would be interested in a relationship. Ignoring the fact that some people feel the onus/responsibility of changing a person so they can become the dream partner that people have been drooling for, it makes no sense that he would still hold a candle for this girl after all these years, when it's obvious that she's not interested in more and the movie has shown nothing more of their interactions to make me even think that they're more than friendly.
And from this logic gap, the gap between the movie and my sympathy got even wider. Here is my thought timeline:



  • i hate your friends.
    • (Really, what is it about movies that has to make the main character's friends unlikeable dickbags who excel at giving him supreme-stupid advice?)
  • just because the music makes a joke, does not mean it is right for this movie
  • your references will be dated in 6 months
  • it's like a crime scene in my pants
    • Die!
    • Die!
    • Die!
  • Period Mix CD
    • Die!
  • There was a good movie in here somewhere
  • If he HAD hooked up with Mindy Kaling, I would care much more about what was happening right now.
  • Is she trying to hook up with the doctor because he reminds her of her dad? Because really, that would make this much more interesting.
  • Fuck. This. Movie.
  • That pumpkin line would actually work if oh I don't know they were actually overtanned and looked like the pumpkins she described! Fuck. This. Movie.
  • Today's Criminally Misused Performer is Kevin Kline. Runner-up! Cary Elwes. I think Natalie Portman watched The Princess Bride a few too many times.
    • I'm not kidding with that point.  Natalie Portman is one of the producers of this films and is only a couple years older than I am.  She had to have had some influence over the casting of this film. And I believe that at some point, her character was going to sleep with the doctor and someone in the studio just cut the scene.  I have to believe this, because otherwise I'm going to scream.
  • They really, really did not know which lines to cut. There is a difference between laying down for a punishing joke and totally blowing the setup.
  • Once again, a really good moment that I care less about (still care a bit) because of everything else that has pushed me away.
  • This movie is a living representation of my feelings for this movie.
    • I wish I could remember what moment this refers to, but the longer I wait, the less this diseased piece of celluloid lives in my brain.
  • Oh no, there's still 35 minutes left in this movie. Please, please, PLEASE let there be a penguin.
  • Hey, who is the producer? She's actually interesting and somewhat...not damaged.
  • So, her father died. Okay.
  • And he's still listening to his friends. Fuck it. I've changed my mind. You don't deserve happiness.
  • Lake Bell -- I love you.
  • The Pomeranian is one of the highlights of this film.
  • Best moment: Kevin Kline crying as he talks about fucking ugly women while high on blow. AND he wrote and performed an original song for this film! Why is Kevin Kline not getting more work???



At a certain point in the film, I saw a “director” sitting at a bank of monitors. And I thought, “Is that Ivan Reitman?” I wasn't even sure I could recognize Ivan Reitman, since he's made his career as a producer/director and never gone in front of the camera too much.
Sure enough, it was him. Not only was it him, but he directed this film.  The deflation I felt when I discovered this -- well, it immediately reminded me of The Moody Blues.  A former British R&B group who took a big step in the late 60's and created two landmark albums that helped defined a sound (Days of Future Passed and In Search of the Lost Chord), securing their place as legends.  They continued on, recording good music and staying interesting until...something just happened.  And they changed.  And it didn't seem like anything should have happened to make them change in such a manner, but now they're in such a different and uninteresting place, it doesn't even feel like these disparate works of art came from the same artist.
Ivan Reitman was a creative force behind some of my early film favorites -- Stripes, Animal House, Ghostbusters -- my dad, who was instrumental in shaping my film taste and sense of humor, showed me all of these films.  We bonded over these films.  They were wild, anarchic, wonderful films that were the jump-off point for my interest in not only comedy, but Second City and the Chicago comedy scene.
And then came No Strings Attached...


And once again, it's a Hollywood-look film, everything is very well composed and lit, everyone looks very pretty (even the supposed ugly people look good), and there is absolutely no bite. Just pretty people doing dumb things.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Killers

Of course, the obvious question, "Why the hell did you watch this film?"
I'm not sure why I did, anymore.  The thought was that I would give the film a fair shake, having never seen any of Katherine Heigl's films and still somewhat harboring a distaste for Aston Kutcher for having a career instead of Topher Grace.  I was also somewhat hopeful that this was listed under Action/Adventure instead of Romantic Comedy, which is what I believe it was sold as.
Well. Fuck. Me.  For.  Trying.
The timeline of my thoughts during the film:

  • OMG, this is Alien from L.A.
  • So, the CIA has no problem with this movie using its name? The President's Analyst had to change its agency's name, but this dumbass movie gets a pass?  And even with the portrayal of a paranoid senior agent who sacrifices his own employees just to kill his son-in-law? (SPOILER, but who cares? You're not going to see this fucking movie)
  • Rob Riggle: DIE.  Alex Borstein: DIE
  • Produced by Ashton -- oh shit, I'm going to die, aren't I?
  • Lesson: if you use the 60's style titles sequence while making the rest of your film look like major studio product and not adding one bit of character to the proceedings, you can fuck off.
  • It's the leads -- and the script -- and if she's that concerned about lying, why is she lying?  Oh.  Because the movie demands it.  You know, for someone who self-labels herself as nerd bait (she works in a software company and from what I can tell, only in sales) you would think that at least some of the interesting personal quirks would have rubbed off on her, not to mention a tolerance for the different personalities among us.  The things she says and does in regards to this part of her life just makes her sound like a cheerleader slumming in TV Production class just so it can go on her college application.
  • Recast -- Felicia Day and Channing Tatum
  • Your friends are idiots and assholes.
  • He is three snarky comments away from blowing Tom Selleck's head off -- and I'd support him.  Not liking/empathizing with any of the characters is not where you want your audience to live, movie!
  • Alcoholism is funny! :D  It can be funny -- you are not making it funny.  Catherine O'Hara is wasted in this film.
  • You know, what that scene really needed was a fart.  Good on ya.
  • Alcoholism -- still funny!
  • It is no compliment when your character reminds me of Kate Capshaw's character in Temple of Doom.
  • Just because a piece of music invokes a mood you want does not mean that mood fits with the rest of the film.
  • Gross Pointe Blank did the killer origin story much better.  Gunfight over downtime?  No contest.
  • Moments of this story are good.  Once again, actors and script.
  • There is NO given reason why she came back!
  • This is the whole movie?  This is the whole MOVIE?!
  • I want Catherine O'Hara to be my grandma.
I was pissed off when this movie finished.  Fucking livid.  For the first time in a while, I felt cheated out of my time by a movie.  I can't even remember the last time I had this much anger toward a piece of celluloid.  It took two Jack and Cokes and a viewing of Marathon Man to calm myself down.
On the subject -- here's how to do the "my loved one is a secret agent" film much better.  Marathon Man. Deeper stakes for the characters, action and pacing that took its time, and actual character arcs instead of just lining up the inevitable punch.  The punch shouldn't feel inevitable -- in fact, we shouldn't believe the main character will ever be capable of throwing it.
The violence was nastier and more visceral.  The suspense was better.  The humor was NOT FOR CHEAP LAUGHS.  Oh, and I'll take Dustin Hoffman, Roy Schneider, Sir Lawrence Olivier, William Goldman, and John Schlesinger over the group that made Killers any day.