Sunday, July 15, 2012

2-Headed Shark Attack

I willingly watched this movie, and I still don't know why.
As some famous dead person once said, "Because it's there."
2-Headed Shark Attack is another helping of sea-carnivore, brain-damaged idiocy from The Asylum.  The studio that brought us Transmorphers and Mega-Shark Vs. Giant Octopus has their formula down, and they certainly know how to work it.
Basic plot: 2-headed shark attacks boat.  Then it attacks the captain and coeds from the boat.  Then, it attacks an atoll. Atoll, you might ask?  And the smart-asses might yell out, "69 cents!", because some of us never moved on from Rocky Horror.
Atoll: (n) a coral island (or islands) that encircles a lagoon partially or completely.
Now!
These films are not watched for the great acting (there's barely any good acting) or the clever writing (exposition HO!) or even for the great special effects (bad CG, frenetic [and occasionally confusing] editing, and obvious rubber models).  They're background noise for parties, cannon-fodder for MST3K/Rifftrax pretenders, and for the rare "Did that really just happen moments" like:

  • a stoner stabbing a shark with a wooden crucifix
  • 2 girls who think they've escaped to the safety of a dock getting eaten by said 2-headed shark
  • Carmen Electra doing her best actressing
  • Killing off the only black guy by dumping him off a boat and not going back to fish him out of the water before he becomes chum
  • Brooke Hogan being a genius with things mechanical...and she can weld
I can't harp on her too much.  She's doing her damndest with the little experience she's had in films.  And she was one of the few people worth paying attention to (with Charlie O'Connell, Corinne Nobili, and Geoff Ward sharing the dubious, but important honor).  At some point, I hoped these four wouldn't get eaten.
I also have to give some (not much) credit to the writers for giving Brooke's character something resembling a personal arc and journey.  Granted, most of it was through exposition dumps and I was really hoping she would

Random thoughts from during the movie:
"I only care about the non-english speaking characters right now."
"So, automatic lesbians?"
*waves arm in random directions * "I'm welding!  I'm welding!" (that's for the first welder, not Brooke.  She was somewhat believable.)
"Yeah.  Boobs.  So what?  I have the internet."
"Okay, now pretend you're a dolphin.  Now, spit corn syrup out of your mouth and cry."
"Why do you want to rescue him? Movie, I am disappoint."
"Suddenly we're in a nature sanctuary?"
"Why is the atoll sinking?"
"Why does this shark hate atolls so much?"

If it seems like I expected more -- I didn't.  But at least knowing where things fell short and where there was some good in this obvious cash-grab of a film makes me feel like I'm still paying attention.

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