Saturday, September 15, 2012

Why SNL's 39th Season Will Be the Bestest TV Season of All TV Seasons

I had a dream last weekend.
I was sitting in a grey room, a police siren was hanging from the ceiling.  One of those old-fashioned sirens, the one an undercover 1970's cop would take out of their glove compartment and throw on the roof.  It began flashing, and a voice next to me said, "Whenever you're ready."
Standing in front of me were Aidy Bryant and Tim Robinson, and both were already launching into their impressions of German Chancellor Angela Merkel.  I only knew it was her because both of them started by saying, "Hello, I'm German Chancellor Angela Merkel."
Aidy appeared to be going for the accurate look; wig, wrinkles, and business suit.  Tim was wearing a rock band t-shirt and was drawing a Hitler mustache on his upper lip with a marker.
I looked over, and Lorne Michaels was a few feet away with one hand in his pants making furious circles in his crotch.  The other hand held a choke chain that was attached to the neck of Seth Meyer, who was banging away at a typewriter and picking lint from Lorne's pant leg.
There were grunts and commotion, as Aidy and Tim began to shove each other and wrestle.  The punches began to land, and I noticed Cecily Strong sitting in the corner.  She was sitting in the corner, make-up running down her face, slapping herself across the face as she cried, "I'm crazy! *slap* I'm the girlfriend! *slap* I'm crazy! *slap* I'm the girlfriend! *slap*"
Someone's tooth landed in my lap.  I don't know whose, there were several teeth scattered across the floor.  Whenever someone would draw blood, Seth Meyer would cock his head to the side and say, "Really?"
And every new bruise seemed to excite Lorne even more, his hand moving faster faster as smoke eminated from his lap.
Aidy has gained the upper hand and was smashing Tim's head into the floor, crushing it flatter and flatter.  He was still managing to get his monologue out.  Lorne looked on with dull surprise.  Seth Meyer said, "Really?"
After Tim's head was reduced to jelly, Aidy growled and sprang like a lion to the corner, ripping Cecily's throat out with her teeth.  Cecily didn't try to defend herself, she just repeated her mantra, "I'M CRAZY! *SLAP* I'M THE GIRLFRIEND! *SLAP*",  even as Aidy ate her voice box and she could only wheeze.
The blood from the two corpses was pooling around my nice shoes.  I realized I was wearing a collared shirt and a tie.  I heard a howl, a guttural roar, and Aidy was standing with her arms raised in victory and her face covered in blood and flesh.  Then, she hemorrhaged from every orifice in her face.
At that moment, I knew Lorne Michaels has ejaculated because the air smelled of sawdust.
Aidy fell face first on top of Tim.
Seth Meyers cocked his head and said, "Really?"
Then Lorne looked at me and said, "Whenever you're ready."